Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Lesson 11. Spiders Suck

Dear Spiders,

I think you know that I take a very compassionate stance on most issues. So you'll forgive my candor if I just come out and say it. I hate you. I hate you blindly and without reason. My hate is simple and pure. There is only one prerequisite, and you've got it. 8 legs.

Now some people will stand up and defend you and say that you're a vital part of the ecosystem or some enduring symbol of God's devotion to all creatures big and small. Bullsh*t. You and your kind are a public menace. Street thugs. And I'm not going to take it any more.

You come into my house and spin your little webs and string up some fluffy pod full of 1500 or so of your disgusting evil progeny, and you think I'm not going to notice? You think you can just waltz in here and take over the joint? And I'm supposed to be thankful? Because you eat gnats and other small winged insects? No way. I've got the Orkin man for that, so if you want to dine chez Juliet, you're going to have to take me down first. And I'm not going down without a fight.

And furthermore, tell your friends in the liberal media, that their propaganda campaign is NOT going to work on me. As soon as you start spinning multi-syllabic verbal delights on those repulsive little death nets you like to leave all over my basement, then we'll talk. Until then, my can of Raid Max and I will be here... waiting for you.

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